Snap out of it
by khughes830
Summary: From a Tumblr prompt: Barba has a panic attack. Olivia walks in a finds herself at a loss. I swear my summaries are the WORST


Prompt from Tumblr: I want Barba to have a panic attack. Liv can be there, or she can find out later. It can be a one off or a recurring thing. I just kinda want it described well. That closing in feeling. The struggle to get enough air into your lungs. The way the lights seem too bright and the sounds around you seem too loud and irritating. The way your mind races and it's hard to catch a single thought for long enough. And the way you can look like you're functioning on the outside but it's a constant buzzing inside your head. And then something small, like the act of someone touching you, or saying your name, or directing a question at you, can just send you spiraling until your lungs feel so tight you might explode and you snap.

So truthfully I have never had a panic attack. So I hope I did it somewhat justice. But this prompt had been tumbling around in my head since I saw it on the Barson thread. Just the idea of Olivia finding Barba in a compromised and somewhat weak position and how she would respond to that was intriguing. It's normally written the other way around. I liked the idea. Thanks to sofuckingchuffed for the prompt.

* * *

It felt like the walls were closing in on him. He had just gotten off yet another call with his boss and everyone else about this case. This case that could make or break his career (for the hundredth time since he moved to Manhattan). This big wig with more money than should be allowed thought he was above the law. And Barba was out to prove he wasn't, yet again. But the pressure mounted from the moment Benson and her team slapped cuffs on his wrist as he was walking out of whatever gala he had been attending. He was cocky. So sure he would skate. He was doing his best to get his way by throwing his money and power around. And it made Barba angry.

It had been a long time since he had this feeling. He could normally keep them at bay, fight it, keep himself calm. But it was all mounting – this case, the people STILL wanting to talk about how he took down Coyle, the tension with Liv. It was becoming too much. He had fought them all off until this moment. He tried to loosen his tie, but couldn't make his fingers work. His breath was shallow. Everything hurt. He tried to concentrate but couldn't make his mind work at all. Everything was hazy and he collapsed on the couch, trying his best to make this pass.

* * *

"Barba, I got another call from…" she froze as she pushed his door the rest of the way open. He was there but she could tell in an instant that he wasn't at the same time. He was pulling at his tie but couldn't seem to grasp it properly. His face was white as a ghost and his eyes weren't focused on anything. Liv flew across the room. "CARMEN!" she screamed. Carmen came walking in behind her as Liv sat down on the couch next to him.

Carmen dropped the file on the floor. "Panic attack. It's been a long time since he has had one of those."

Olivia's eyes got very wide. "Panic attacks?" She couldn't believe it. This strong, confident, amazing man had panic attacks?

Carmen nodded. "Yeah. I usually keep stuff in my desk… I hope I didn't get rid of it all… let me see. You need to shake him out of it." Carmen strode out to her desk and Liv heard her starting to rummage through it.

Liv turned back to him, grabbing his shoulders and turning him toward her. "Barba." She said quietly. Nothing. "Rafael, come on. Knock it off." She tried shaking him a little bit. She moved his hand from his tie and loosened it, unbuttoning the top button of his dress shirt. "Raf, this is starting to scare me. Come on." Still nothing.

"CARMEN!"

"Still looking, Lieutenant! Keep trying. Sometimes I have to get creative!"

Olivia just stared at him. He looked like he couldn't breathe. Like he was losing it. And the terror that built up in her was very real. And her reaction instinct kicked in. She grabbed his face and planted her lips on his. She felt no reaction from him, but it was calming her fear. Kissing him made him feel real. Alive. Suddenly she felt him respond. She held on for a moment longer and pulled back, looking at him.

"Liv?" he ground out, starting to focus back on the world. On her. She just nodded her head, not trusting herself to talk. Carmen then came back in the room with a bottle of water, a small bag and a pill. Olivia stood up off the couch and moved back, running her hand through her hair. She let Carmen take over. Olivia couldn't believe he had never told her about panic attacks. It made her angry and sad all at the same time. She watched Carmen talk him into laying back on his couch for a few minutes. Olivia walked over toward him, really looking at him. The color was starting to come back to his face. His hair was slightly askew and the button she had undone was left that way.

"Barba?"

He opened his eye. "You are here. I thought… when did you get here?"

"Sir, please lay back for a few minutes. OK? I'll order you some food." Carmen nodded toward the outer office and Olivia followed her.

Olivia watched her sit down at her desk. "You seem like a pro with that?"

"Yeah. Like I said it's not the first time. He doesn't tell a lot of people about them. Doesn't want it getting around. I had to sign a confidentiality agreement about it when I took the job. But it has been a long time."

"When was the last one?"

Carmen glanced up at the ceiling. "Uh… some time last year I think? It was… late winter. Yeah. Oh yeah, I remember. It was during that awful case with the church and…" Carmen trailed off, just staring at Olivia. "Carmen?"

Carmen cleared her throat, rummaging through her drawer on her desk. "Yeah. Um… it was right after he asked me to get him the chief." Olivia froze. Oh. She closed her eyes, willing the tears not to fall.

She nodded. "How is he after…"

Carmen grabbed a folder of menus. "A little tired. Foggy. He doesn't usually remember anything during the attacks. Sometimes it comes back, sometimes it doesn't. Thank God they normally happen while he is here so it's usually just what he had been working on or what call he just got off of." Carmen couldn't look her in the eye. Carmen was so loyal to him. She was so grateful for that. Olivia nodded, bidding Carmen farewell. She glanced over her shoulder as she left, seeing him through his window, arm slung over his eyes, breathing deeply.

* * *

She did her best to leave it alone. But that only last a few hours. On her way out for the night, she finally had to text him.

 _How are you feeling?_

 _Better. Sorry about that. Did you need something?_

 _No. Get some rest. We can talk tomorrow._

 _Carmen said you were a big help. Thanks Liv._

 _Any time Raf._

Raf. She so rarely used his first name, much less a shortened version of it. He rubbed his hand over his eyes and down his face, fingers stopping for just a moment on his lips. Lips. And it hit him like a ton of bricks. He grabbed his jacket and files and shoved them into his briefcase, running out of his office.

* * *

Olivia was finishing up for the night, picking up the few remaining toys and turning off lights. He had been on her mind all night. She has stopped herself from calling him about once every 20 minutes since she got home. Seeing him like that, fragile and vulnerable, well it made her want to pull him into her arms and never let him go. She had been fighting these feelings for months. Since well before her and Tucker ended. That's for sure. But that moment in his office shook free all the fear from inside her. What would she do about it? No clue. But something had to be done.

She almost missed the soft knock on her door. She glanced through the hole and held her breath. She threw it open to him, standing there, in just jeans and an old Harvard t-shirt, staring at her.

"Barba…"

"I don't usually remember stuff that happens during the attacks."

"I know. Carmen told me." She was frozen, staring at him. She couldn't move. He looked a little wild, a little out of control, like a primal force had driven him to her front door. She found it intoxicating. Like her desire for him needed to be flamed anymore.

"I don't usually remember. Except for today. Today I remember" he said, almost in a growl as he pushed into the apartment, grabbing her and assaulting her lips, sighing as she responded in kind as he kicked her door shut, pinning her to the wall.


End file.
